I have made a discovery. A SELF-discovery. In a crystallizing moment of clarity while out on the town in Charleston, SC I realized something very important about myself: I have no clue how to talk to women.
Now let me be clear, I can talk to a female in the general conversation sense. It's when I'm expected to "talk" to the fairer sex that things start going downhill. This might explain my natural aversion to dance clubs, "hip" bars, and other nocturnal hang outs for the young and unattached. (Yes, I used the word hip to describe something being widely celebrated and well attended by the masses... and I felt old doing it).
It's difficult enough for me to approach an attractive stranger and spark a conversation with an already implied undertone of "I think your purty". Add loud music, 70 other dudes trying to do the same thing, and the constant flow of adult libations, and I go from the far less than suave Michael Cera in Superbad to the almost-too-sad-to-watch-"Did I do thaaaattttt" awkwardness that is Steve Urkel.
I would like to say that my desire for mature, meaningful conversation about topics that go beyond the obligatory bar babble of "where you from, what do you do, who's your favorite Jonas brother" plays a significant role in my flirting afflictions. However, I still gave it a go with a few intriguing ladies at several Charleston locales and came out the other side looking like that uncle that gets invited to the Christmas party every year but everyone in the family thinks he's a little off so he ends up sitting at the piano by himself downing the last of the egg nog.
The crazy thing is, I consider myself a good communicator. Heck, I take pride in my abilities to gab with the best of them. And, in my humble opinion, I CAN talk up a storm without creating an impulse for those near me to run for cover. But that's when it's all family and friends. The condemning variable seems to be when there is a single, attractive female in the equation. If I see someone with future Mrs. Smalling potential (yes, I'm old fashioned, I'm hoping my wife will not mind taking my name) I some how some way crash and burn.
It's not that I clam up, or start yammering like Bobcat Goldthwait. I just can't find anything to say that tells a woman of interest that I'm the man she's been looking for. Shoot, I can't find anything to say that tells her "hey, this guy is worth talking to for more than 5 minutes".
My size may have something to do with it as well. Once in high school, while on vacation in exotic Myrtle Beach, I approached an attractive girl to ask if she would honor me with a dance. We were at House of Blues and it was "teen night". Granted the young woman I approached was all of about 5'2"...and I was at least 6'2" at the time. And I did tap her on the shoulder from behind so she didn't see me until I was right there. But when she turned and yelled "Ahh!" as her eyes pried open wide and the corner of her lips bent downwards in the international expression of "I'm NOT happy to see you"... I was more sad than offended. I still had the gumption to ask for a dance. I'll give you 3 guesses to figure out what her answer was. Needless to say I morphed into that aforementioned hypothetical uncle, and slid sluggishly back to a nice corner of the room to watch my peers merrily cut a rug with fun-loving strangers.
Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. Maybe I think too much about the whole dating thing. Maybe I should become a teacher at an all dudes school and live out the rest of my years as the professorial bachelor...full of wisdom and insight...just not swagger (though I started using that Old Spice deodorant called "swagger", who knows it might just seep some into my bloodstream). What I do know, is that if and when I meet that special someone, she will BE that special someone precisely because she looks beyond my initial inability to woo her with words. I'm confident that when that woman finally does enter my life, my struggles to verbally invigorate her will dissipate quickly. And if there is one thing I AM confident in it's my ability to bring the romance in a relationship...and you don't need words when both of you are speechless.
What I'm Into:
Bible Verse- 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Movie- "Love Actually" It's Christmas time and that movie is a Christmas time movie. Granted there is a couple of story lines in the movie I just don't like (namely Kiera Knightley's), but overall it makes me happy to watch it. I get a little sappy with it, but that's a good thing from time to time.
Song- "Those I Loved"- Eric Church. I'm going through a country phase right now. I dig a lot of the songs that aren't as twangy and have deeper messages than "I ran over my dog with my truck". Eric Church has got a lot of good ones, but this one about the people he has loved in his life is pretty solid.
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